Fun Fact #5

Most  scholars now  agree that Alexander the Great was also the mild-mannered scribe, Alec the Completely Normal, Who Looks Remarkably Like Alexander the Great Except with a Different Haircut and Glasses.

Fun Fact #4

Not all breakfast cereals have a hidden agenda or an ulterior motive. In the words of Voltaire, “Sometimes a breakfast cereal is just a breakfast cereal.”

Fun Fact #3

The  most frequently used word in all of Shakespeare’s plays is “extrapolate”.

Breaking Vaccine News

Carrey & McCarthy on a research trip

England’s General Medical Council is “a kangaroo court where public health officials in the pocket of vaccine makers served as judge and jury.” This shocking news comes to us thanks to the tireless efforts of America’s favorite investigative journalists/ general medical experts, Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.

Not since Woodward and Bernstein discovered Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky breaking into the Whitewater Hotel, has the world witnessed such an earth-shattering example of investigative journalism. It all focuses on the British researcher, Andrew Wakefield. The experts (vaccine makers & their hand puppets) claim that his research practices were unethical and that  subsequent studies have failed to replicate his results. However, Carry and McCarthy are clever enough to see through all that science.  In their almost entirely unreferenced statement, they reveal a vast conspiracy that exposes the entire, global scientific community as nothing but a sounding board for the  propaganda of  vaccine producers.

The World is a dark place, but thanks to Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey, it’s a little bit brighter. That’s why I’ve decided to declare them the first winners of a Jwondee, my award given to people who do things that are good.

Fun Fact #2

Paraguay is the only country whose border forms a perfect circle.

Fun Fact

The word for the number seventeen is the same in every known language.

I baffle scientist. Evolution is dead.

“At this moment, there is a bomb nestled in the very foundation of modern biology, and I just lit the fuse.”

-Jthewonderllama

The evolutionary biologist, Theodosius Dobzhansky, famously said, ” Nothing in biology makes sense except in light of evolution.” Well, as it turns out,  nothing in biology makes sense. I’ll come straight to the point. A few weeks ago I first began to develop the idea that would change our understanding of life on earth forever. It occurred  to me as I was watching a Nature documentary featuring a particularly playful family of rhesus monkeys. At some point during the program, the narrator mentioned evolution, and that got me thinking.

Monkeys, I pondered, evolved into humans. Yet, here were monkeys romping around on the television before my eyes.  I reasoned that if evolution is true, and all monkeys transformed into humans, then there ought to be no monkeys in existence today. Therefore, because there are extant monkeys, the theory of evolution is incorrect. QED.

It’s a brilliant piece of deduction; I know. However, I didn’t want to be overzealous. I took my time. I did extensive research, and as far as I could tell, my reasoning was airtight. Nobody had every addressed the question of why monkeys are still around today. Nevertheless, I still had work to do. I needed to find out what the experts on evolution thought of my problem. To that end, I attempted to contact one of the most famous defenders of evolution, Prof. Richard Dawkins. It wasn’t easy, but by tenaciously badgering of the professor, I eventually prevailed, and was granted this interview.

Me: Thank you very much for joining me Prof. Dawkins.

Dawkins: It’s my pleasure.

Me: Prof. Dawkins, how confident are you that the theory of evolution is correct?

Dawkins: Extremely confident.

Me: Good, then I’m sure that you won’t mind addressing some concerns I’ve had with the theory.

Dawkins: Not at all.

Me: I appreciate that. Um, essentially, my problem with evolution concerns the existence of monkeys.

Dawkins: I’m sorry? Did you say monkeys?

Me: Yes, um, I’ll start over. Is it not true that, at some point in history, all monkeys evolved into humans. At least, this happened according to the theory.

Dawkins: Of course, the theory of evolution quite clearly states that, in her constant drive to make everything better, nature fashioned crude monkeys into the more perfect humans.

Me: But if that’s the case, then why are there still monkeys around today?

Dawkins: Well, that’s because, um. Could I have just a moment to think about that one? (flustered, Dawkins considers the question) You see, there must be an answer. I simply hadn’t ever considered the question before.

Me: To me, this suggests that evolution can not be correct.

Dawkins: No. Um, just give me a moment. There’s bound to be an answer to this. Look, perhaps humans evolved from slugs!

Me: Prof. Dawkins, I don’t think I need to point out that there are also still slugs around.

Dawkins: I’m suddenly not feeling so well.

Me: That’s not all. I have other concerns. For example, if humans are the most evolved species on the planet, then why are there other species that can do things that we can’t, like fly or breath under water.

Dawkins: Stop it! Your words are like daggers to my ears! (At this point, the professor begins crying quietly)

Me: Prof. Dawkins, this is not terribly dignified behavior.

Dawkins: I’m afraid I must leave now. I not feeling at all well.

There you have it. A modest man with a simple question and no real understanding of biology killed the theory of evolution. Clearly, it was not at all the sort of question anyone with a brain,  an even moderate level of curiosity, and access wikipedia could have answered for himself.

A film review

As you might have guessed, I escaped the cave with my life. Now, I’m celebrating that fact with my first video post. It’s a review of the Canadian documentary Manufacturing Dissent. Here’s the first part on youtube:

And here’s my review:

I hope you enjoyed this entirely sincere post.

The Cave, day seventeen

The bear swears that he’s not going to eat me, but I’m not convinced. BEARS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED! You may think me mad, but I’m going to escape this cave today. WOULD A MAD MAN DO THAT?? Escape? No, a mad man would be happy to be eaten by Clarence (The bear’s name is Clarence. It’s a common bear name.) Spider on the wall, who is the cleverest and sanest of them all? ME!

Do you want to know how I’m going to escape? I’ll bet you do. It’s in your eyes.  I feel them watching me. STOP WATCHING ME FROM AFAR! Okay. I’m better now.

I’m going to tell Clarence that I can no longer get internet in our cave, and that I need to go to the coffee shop to write my blog. IF THIS DAMN BEAR IS PSYCHIC, THEN MY PLAN WILL FAIL! I will run home instead. I will lie, and he will believe me. It’s a strange fact that a bear is both deceitful and trusting at the same. Perhaps this is a subject that deserves  further study. If he thinks that I’m trying to escape, he will surely eat me TO BITS! My life depends on my ability to lie. I fear for us all, should I fail. In case I never speak to you again, I have composed a farewell poem:

Requiem for a Fallen Star

In the enveloping fog, I shine like justice,

My very name proclaims its veracity!

Oh, teeth of sharpened razors! Oh, psychic bear!

You extinguish the light of a billion candles!

As the world blackens, I am digested.

The Cave, day four

As it turns out, there is a bear in here.  I don’t trust him.  I’ve seen him watching me while he thinks I’m asleep, and it’s not at all clear if he intends to eat me. Nevertheless, there is no way I’m leaving. A good cave is hard to come by, with or without a potentially psychotic grizzly bear. I fear for my sanity.

However, my super-cool hermit beard is getting more super-cool every day!